I Begin Here

My Path To Self Discovery, & Everything In-Between

Tag: Depression

What Does Self-Care Mean To Me?

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of posts on social media about self-care and mental health. So I wanted to sit down and think about what that means to me. Years ago if I asked myself what self-care meant to me, I probably would’ve said that it was about ‘Me Time’. Having a soak in the bath or painting my nails.

But Now…

It means so much more than that to me. While self is still about those things, I now have a deeper understanding that Self-care is also about your wellbeing you mental and emotional health, your physical health.

I Had To Learn The Hard Way…

For me being diagnosed with Depression was a wake-up call. I had to look after myself. I’ve always been good at looking after my husband and the kids. I always put them first and I always will. But now I know that I HAVE TO put time aside for myself, to look after myself. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have it all figured out yet and I’m still trying to look after myself. But I am doing a much better job of it.

So How Am I Going To Do This?…

Through lots of self-reflecting and taking stock of my life and my attitude to myself. I’m changing how I approach things. For example:- I used to feel guilty if I had a takeaway or something sweet. While I’d enjoy it at the time I would come down on myself for allowing…Well no more, Life is too short to be angry especially at your self so I will enjoy life’s treats. But I also know that in turn, I need to look after myself physically, which means working out and making it a part of my routine. No more excuses ( I am planning on doing a separate post about this but not sure when as I’m currently full of cold). I need to look after myself physically so that I am fit and healthy to be able to enjoy time with my children and to make sure I am around for them for a long time to come.

But What About Mental And Emotional Health?…

My mental and emotional health have taken a battering for several months. For months I have been trying to get these back on track. I also know it will be something that I will need to work on for the rest of my life. But I’m happy with that. I have been so mean to myself for years that I just need to accept who I am and accept my body has changed after having two children, to love myself completely. Last night for the first time I tried the Headspace app. I can honestly say, it is the best meditation app that I have tried. I hoping that this will become part of my evening/bedtime routine. It really helped me to clear my mind. Which is a problem I have, I let things build up in my head until there’s no room and it bubbles over with negative results. But I talk a lot more to my husband about how I’m feeling whether it is a good day or a bad day. I don’t let myself feel guilty if I need to have a good cry or even a good laugh because both are good for me they keep the balance.

 I Shared this image recently on Instagram. I’m putting it in this post because when I look at it, I see a woman who is happy in her skin. Who feels comfortable taking a picture with only mascara and brow gel on and no filter on it. THIS IS ME! getting my self-esteem back and loving myself.

Ask Yourself…

What does self-care mean to you? How have you pulled yourself back up from the depths of depression? How do you show yourself, love?

If you want to get in touch then please leave a comment below or get in touch via social media. If you aren’t subscribed to my blog already then get signed up so you don’t miss any post’s. Please also Share. Sharing is caring.

Sam.

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Learning To Be Positive Again And Moving Forward!

I recently shared with you all that I have been dealing with depression, and that I have recently completed my therapy.

How Therapy Helped…

Therapy really helped me to understand, that everything I was putting off doing or didn’t feel capable of doing was in fact just in my head. It helped to understand that by putting a plan in place and starting off with small jobs, then it wasn’t so daunting. Since then I have progressed to doing bigger tasks. I’m still not fully back to my old routine but I’m getting there.

Positivity Breeds Positivity…

With the help of therapy and the help of my antidepressants my positivity towards life and everything in between has come on in leaps and bounds.

I’m a natural worrier and have had anxiety for the 10 years or so. But lately the last month or so I have been feeling so great. I haven’t had a panic attack or anxiety attack since the end of last year. It really makes me feel good. I feel like I am capable and more like my old self, I don’t feel guilty for no reason I more chilled out and it has inturned improved things between Myself and Matt.

Making Changes One Day At A Time…

While Things are going great I’m still on antidepressant’s and will be for another 3 months-ish. I’m very much aware that While I’m currently in a good place the depression could come back at any time. So I take it one day at a time. I try to do a few jobs each day around the house but if it’s not a great day for whatever the reason. Whether it is the children or I’ve had a bad night sleep etc. I don’t stress about it. I just remind myself that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for me to try again.

One of the changes that I want to build back into my routine is exercise. This has always really helped with my mental health in the past. For me, it’s a great way to release frustration and stress and allows me to clear my head of thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not claiming to be a fitness fanatic, but once I get into the routine of doing it I enjoy it.

I have also upped my water intake. But still not where I want it to be. But one day at a time, right?

My diet still needs some major improvements but it is better than it has been, there haven’t been as many takeaways, but there are still probably a few too many. I know I will get there it’s just going to take some time and patience.

Moving Forward…

I know I’ll never be 100% the same person I was 10+ years ago but I am definitely on my way to becoming more like my old self. I feel like I have been given the tools to recognize the warning signs and how to deal with it and what I need to do to maintain the positivity. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not going to be easy every day, and some days will be a lot harder than others. But what I have learned is how I deal with things and how I choose to look at my life and the situations I’m faced with in my day to day life.

Please feel free to get in touch either below in the comments or via Social Media. Please follow the blog if you enjoyed the post and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future post’s.

Sam

 

 

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Admitting I Needed Help…. My Depression

I Needed To Take a Break…

It’s been a while since I posted anything on here. I needed to take a break, to step back from everything and look after myself. Over the last few months, I have been dealing with severe depression and have been getting help in the form of CBT therapy and antidepressants.

The Stigma…

To be honest I’m not entirely sure how I feel about sharing my story, my experience with the internet world. But I have to ask myself is it because there is a stigma with depression, that it’s seen as an ugly word that shouldn’t be spoken about. Or because I’m scared of what people will think. The thing is, we/I shouldn’t care. This is my life and my mental health, and if talking about it helps me, or someone else then great.

Where To Start?…

I want to be honest, I have no clue where to start, I feel anxious and emotional at the thought of sharing my experience with depression. As I’m sat here I keep wanting to delete everything, to hide the truth, BUT I need to do this. I NEED to do this for me. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

9th November 2017…

This is the day I got help… I few days before this, I got home one evening from work and found Matt confronting me. Being brutally honest with me about my behavior over the last several months. He pointed out how my behavior had started to affect the kids that they were noticing. Mine and Matt’s relationship was in a bad place. I had raging temper tantrums. I wasn’t myself. The way I screamed and shouted at everyone including the kids, it was awful. I was awful and looking back I feel ashamed of myself. I hope the kids are young enough not to remember the dark period in my life when they are older. There I sat in tears listening to Matt, knowing everything he was saying was true, I was ill and I NEEDED help.

While I knew I needed help I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof. I was scared of admitting to anyone that wasn’t myself or Matt. Getting help and telling someone I needed help would make it real and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

The Doctors office…

I sat in the Doctors office with Matt scared and panicked. I started to speak and the tears came and came. As I sat there crying my eyes out Matt took the lead. As he started to explain I felt calm enough to stop crying and then I found my strength to speak.

We discussed therapy and medication and I’ll admit medication wasn’t something I was that keen on so I left the Doctors office with a couple of numbers for a self referral. I knew that everything had changed.

Antidepressants…

Two weeks later I was on the phone again in tears, struggling to cope, I was on a waiting list for CBT and was told it could be 3 months. My behavior was getting worse so I told the Dr that I wanted to get on medication to help get me through. So I’m currently on 20mg Citalopram a day and that has helped me no end.

Behavioural Activation Therapy…

After I started the medication I started to receive my therapy in the form of Behavioural Activation Therapy designed to get you back on track and back to your old routine. Its aim is to ease you back into everything slowly.

I have to say I found this type of therapy really helpful and combined with the medication I took to it like a duck to water so to speak. So much so I was discharged after 3 sessions.

I’m still getting back into my old routine but I am making progress.

What Depression Felt Like For Me…

Depression feels different for everyone who suffers from it. And for those who have never had depression cannot understand how it feels you just can’t simply snap out of it.

For me Depression felt like I had these heavy chain weighing my body down, pulling me down. It felt like I was in another existence/ alternate side of the world. Where I could see everyone living their life going about their business and I was there watching on invisible and lonely. Everything felt dark around me and any slight bit of happiness I instantly felt guilty and withdrew more.

I wasn’t sleeping well and I was overeating. I could only find joy in my children but felt guilty. They kept me functioning.

Today…

Today I’m in a better place a happier place. Don’t get me wrong I have low days but I don’t feel weighed down and I no longer feel like I’m in the dark. I see light around me and I don’t feel invisible. I feel connected to the world around me.

Have you ever suffered from depression? Are you suffering from depression? If you want to get in touch I’d love to hear from you.

Please share my story/ experience with the people you know. Mental health is a huge thing and we need to talk about it more openly. You’d be surprised by how many people suffer in silence.

Until next time

Sam

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