I Begin Here

My Path To Self Discovery

Tag: Anxiety

Learning To Be Positive Again And Moving Forward!

I recently shared with you all that I have been dealing with depression, and that I have recently completed my therapy.

How Therapy Helped…

Therapy really helped me to understand, that everything I was putting off doing or didn’t feel capable of doing was in fact just in my head. It helped to understand that by putting a plan in place and starting off with small jobs, then it wasn’t so daunting. Since then I have progressed to doing bigger tasks. I’m still not fully back to my old routine but I’m getting there.

Positivity Breeds Positivity…

With the help of therapy and the help of my antidepressants my positivity towards life and everything in between has come on in leaps and bounds.

I’m a natural worrier and have had anxiety for the 10 years or so. But lately the last month or so I have been feeling so great. I haven’t had a panic attack or anxiety attack since the end of last year. It really makes me feel good. I feel like I am capable and more like my old self, I don’t feel guilty for no reason I more chilled out and it has inturned improved things between Myself and Matt.

Making Changes One Day At A Time…

While Things are going great I’m still on antidepressant’s and will be for another 3 months-ish. I’m very much aware that While I’m currently in a good place the depression could come back at any time. So I take it one day at a time. I try to do a few jobs each day around the house but if it’s not a great day for whatever the reason. Whether it is the children or I’ve had a bad night sleep etc. I don’t stress about it. I just remind myself that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for me to try again.

One of the changes that I want to build back into my routine is exercise. This has always really helped with my mental health in the past. For me, it’s a great way to release frustration and stress and allows me to clear my head of thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not claiming to be a fitness fanatic, but once I get into the routine of doing it I enjoy it.

I have also upped my water intake. But still not where I want it to be. But one day at a time, right?

My diet still needs some major improvements but it is better than it has been, there haven’t been as many takeaways, but there are still probably a few too many. I know I will get there it’s just going to take some time and patience.

Moving Forward…

I know I’ll never be 100% the same person I was 10+ years ago but I am definitely on my way to becoming more like my old self. I feel like I have been given the tools to recognize the warning signs and how to deal with it and what I need to do to maintain the positivity. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not going to be easy every day, and some days will be a lot harder than others. But what I have learned is how I deal with things and how I choose to look at my life and the situations I’m faced with in my day to day life.

Please feel free to get in touch either below in the comments or via Social Media. Please follow the blog if you enjoyed the post and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future post’s.

Sam

 

 

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Admitting I Needed Help…. My Depression

I Needed To Take a Break…

It’s been a while since I posted anything on here. I needed to take a break, to step back from everything and look after myself. Over the last few months, I have been dealing with severe depression and have been getting help in the form of CBT therapy and antidepressants.

The Stigma…

To be honest I’m not entirely sure how I feel about sharing my story, my experience with the internet world. But I have to ask myself is it because there is a stigma with depression, that it’s seen as an ugly word that shouldn’t be spoken about. Or because I’m scared of what people will think. The thing is, we/I shouldn’t care. This is my life and my mental health, and if talking about it helps me, or someone else then great.

Where To Start?…

I want to be honest, I have no clue where to start, I feel anxious and emotional at the thought of sharing my experience with depression. As I’m sat here I keep wanting to delete everything, to hide the truth, BUT I need to do this. I NEED to do this for me. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

9th November 2017…

This is the day I got help… I few days before this, I got home one evening from work and found Matt confronting me. Being brutally honest with me about my behavior over the last several months. He pointed out how my behavior had started to affect the kids that they were noticing. Mine and Matt’s relationship was in a bad place. I had raging temper tantrums. I wasn’t myself. The way I screamed and shouted at everyone including the kids, it was awful. I was awful and looking back I feel ashamed of myself. I hope the kids are young enough not to remember the dark period in my life when they are older. There I sat in tears listening to Matt, knowing everything he was saying was true, I was ill and I NEEDED help.

While I knew I needed help I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof. I was scared of admitting to anyone that wasn’t myself or Matt. Getting help and telling someone I needed help would make it real and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

The Doctors office…

I sat in the Doctors office with Matt scared and panicked. I started to speak and the tears came and came. As I sat there crying my eyes out Matt took the lead. As he started to explain I felt calm enough to stop crying and then I found my strength to speak.

We discussed therapy and medication and I’ll admit medication wasn’t something I was that keen on so I left the Doctors office with a couple of numbers for a self referral. I knew that everything had changed.

Antidepressants…

Two weeks later I was on the phone again in tears, struggling to cope, I was on a waiting list for CBT and was told it could be 3 months. My behavior was getting worse so I told the Dr that I wanted to get on medication to help get me through. So I’m currently on 20mg Citalopram a day and that has helped me no end.

Behavioural Activation Therapy…

After I started the medication I started to receive my therapy in the form of Behavioural Activation Therapy designed to get you back on track and back to your old routine. Its aim is to ease you back into everything slowly.

I have to say I found this type of therapy really helpful and combined with the medication I took to it like a duck to water so to speak. So much so I was discharged after 3 sessions.

I’m still getting back into my old routine but I am making progress.

What Depression Felt Like For Me…

Depression feels different for everyone who suffers from it. And for those who have never had depression cannot understand how it feels you just can’t simply snap out of it.

For me Depression felt like I had these heavy chain weighing my body down, pulling me down. It felt like I was in another existence/ alternate side of the world. Where I could see everyone living their life going about their business and I was there watching on invisible and lonely. Everything felt dark around me and any slight bit of happiness I instantly felt guilty and withdrew more.

I wasn’t sleeping well and I was overeating. I could only find joy in my children but felt guilty. They kept me functioning.

Today…

Today I’m in a better place a happier place. Don’t get me wrong I have low days but I don’t feel weighed down and I no longer feel like I’m in the dark. I see light around me and I don’t feel invisible. I feel connected to the world around me.

Have you ever suffered from depression? Are you suffering from depression? If you want to get in touch I’d love to hear from you.

Please share my story/ experience with the people you know. Mental health is a huge thing and we need to talk about it more openly. You’d be surprised by how many people suffer in silence.

Until next time

Sam

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Getting Out Of My Head:- Anxiety And Panic Attacks!

I’ve always been open and honest about suffering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Unfortunately is it not a topic that is talked about enough, this is also true for all mental health issues. But I want to talk about Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

I Didn’t Always Suffer…

I didn’t always suffer from Anxiety or Panic Attacks. It started around 2008/2009 with my previous relationship. I didn’t realise it at the time but the relationship I was in was a toxic one, one of mental abuse. At the time I didn’t see it, but when I look back I can see I was mentally abused.

My first Panic Attack was bad. My hands flooded with pins and needles and went rigid in a claw like shape. I felt dizzy and couldn’t breathe.

Since then I have only had one really bad attack when I ended up in the back of an ambulance because they weren’t sure if it was a stroke or heart attack because of my symptoms, the whole left side of my body shook uncontrollably, my speech was slurred and I couldn’t hold myself up.

Anxiety grows worse…

My Anxiety has got worse over the last few years especially since my Ectopic pregnancy, it has taken a natural worrier and has turned me into a fearful person who wants/needs to be in control to keep fear at bay. I hate this about myself, I hate that some days my anxiety controls me instead of me controlling it. Anxiety and fear have stopped me from doing things. I want to let go and be free to really enjoy the great things in life but it’s there all the time in the back of my mind.

Since having my daughter and there being more stresses at home with various things. I’m sure everyone stresses about things like money, our home is too small and not having money to move. Add to that the lack of sleep from a toddler who doesn’t always go through the night and a baby teething. All of this plays a part in my Anxiety. I don’t want you to sit there and think that I’m moaning about my life and that I should be grateful because there are people worse off. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m simply sharing what has helped to make my anxiety worse.

What Are My Triggers…

I can’t speak for everyone who suffers from Anxiety and Panic Attacks but I know what my triggers are. Some times  I am able to gain control and other times I can’t.

For me, one of my main triggers is feeling overwhelmed, and it can be about anything going on in my life. for me the only way I can describe it is like there is a fog or a storm going on inside my mind. Sometimes I have to get out of my head to beat it.

It’s Getting Harder And Harder To Control…

Over the last few weeks, I have been finding that my Anxiety is getting harder to control. Even writing this post, bearing my soul, if you like, is giving me Anxiety. It’s an incredibly personal thing to share, unfortunately, it is something that people who do not suffer from it find hard to understand and think it is an easy fix. It is not!

It’s An Uncomfortable Place To Be…

Where I am mentally at the moment is a rather uncomfortable place to be. When I look at myself and into my mind, I feel uncomfortable I feel a need to question my mental health and whether I am at a place where I need help. I have to say this part of the blog is very difficult to write. It’s emotional, it is taking a lot for me to be this honest and to lay this much out on the line. But this is in the hope of self-therapy. In the hope that writing about it and talking about it on the World Wide Web can provide a release. A weight lifted. I don;t know maybe help other people and myself not feel alone.

My husband tries to be understanding and helpful and for the most part, he is. He is a fantastic support and I’m certain if it wasn’t for him I would have a lot more Panic Attacks and be in the depths of depression by now. But there is only so much he is able to do. It ultimately falls on me.

So What Helps…

For me, there are some things that do help, Exercise being one of them. I’m not great at keeping a routine especially with two young children but I am trying. I have found Yoga helps to focus my mind. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it really does help. I love running/walking that for me is a kind of therapy with myself. It forces me to think about/process everything I have not wanted to deal with and just pushed to the back of my mind. I also find Reading a good book helps to take me away from reality and escape for a while. I like to do this before bed. It helps to relax my mind and let me drift off to sleep quicker.

I’m sorry for the long post but it is one of those topics that needs discussing.

If you suffer or suffered from Anxiety please get in touch I would love to hear your story and how you deal with it. please get in touch via the comments or social media.

Please make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss future posts. I’m sure I will post an update with how I’m doing.

Sam

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