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My Path To Self Discovery

Category: Self Discovery

Pregnancy Losses: 5 Years On I’m Still Affected By It! 

This month marks the 5 year anniversary from my first pregnancy loss, an ectopic pregnancy misdiagnosed as a miscarriage that then ruptured, resulting in internal bleeding and emergency surgery. 8 months later I had a miscarriage. The result of these pregnancy losses still affects me greatly.

Mental And Emotional Pain Is Real….

I find it harder to talk about now then I did at the time. It took a week for the ectopic pregnancy and my near death to hit me. To say I was a wreck is an understatement, I thought that was it for kids. I found talking to anyone who’d listen helped. I read about it, watched videos about it and started researching my chance of having kids and alternatives. It was the only way I could deal with it. However talking about it now is painful, more because it is a part of my life that isn’t great. It’s like a black cloud in my mind, in my memory. A memory I don’t want to remember but one that I must.

Pregnant For A Second Time…

After the ectopic pregnancy, it took my body a while to adjust to having my right tube moved, the pregnancy had ripped it open causing severe internal bleeding. A month or so later after the operation, I felt ready to try again.

I remember knowing I was pregnant but had doubt in my mind, we had few a false alarm’s due to my body adjusting. But when the test showed positive I dropped to the floor shaking a remember sending my husband a photo asking him if I was imaging it. I was so scared that I would lose the baby I couldn’t enjoy it.

It’s Happening Again…

I remember hitting the 8-9 week mark and the bleeding starting again. My heart sank I knew I was losing the baby. We had an early scan, it showed the baby in the womb and had a heartbeat, however it was measuring small. All we could do was wait and see. The pain is still there in my mind, the waves of pain and so much blood. My body trying to expel the fetus. The trip to A&E meant they removed it for me and gave me strong painkillers I was then sent on my way.

Was It Me Or Just Bad Luck…

My husband says we were just incredibly unlucky, he said for a while that maybe we couldn’t have girls. After the second miscarriage, I blamed myself more than ever, I still do. I will never know if I was the reason for the losses or if it was just bad luck and I happened to be the 1 in 4 for the miscarriage and the 1 in 80-90 with the ectopic.

There isn’t a day, week, or month that goes by where I don’t think about them. Sat here writing this I fight to hold back the tears. With each loss, I definitely lost a piece of myself. I don’t have the same carefree spirit I once had, much of my “sparkle” has gone. My anxiety is much worse and over more things, simple things. It is a constant battle and one that I try to manage without medication because that is not a path I wish to walk down.

If I’m being totally honest I try to hide my anxiety or had bad it is some days from the people I love because it’s how I best deal with it. I don’t want it to be another thing for my husband to worry about. He is my rock, we have shared some insanely hard times together and we’ve always come out the other side stronger.

I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Over It…

Everyone deals with pregnancy loss in their own way, for me, it isn’t something I’ll ever be over. They were a part of me and their gone. I know I am incredibly lucky to have 2 beautiful healthy happy children now. Logan, My rainbow baby turned 3 last month and Rae my Baby girl whose almost 7 months old.

I’m still 5 years on trying to figure out how to process dealing with it. Most of the time I bury it in the back of my mind. But I am hoping one day I will find it easier to talk openly about it again.

It is a subject that is not talked about enough and one that should be. Know this where pregnancy loss is concerned, you ARE NEVER alone. Ever!

If you have suffered a pregnancy loss and just want an ear, Then I am here.

Sam

 

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I Lost The Old Me Somewhere Along The Way!

I’m a very different person to the young woman, the old me I was 8years ago. My husband and I have known each other since we were 11 but we didn’t start dating till 2009. We had been friends and our relationship had developed from there.

Fun Loving…

One of the things my husband loved about me back then was that I was so fun loving, up for a laugh and enjoyed taking the mickey as much as he did. He used to say I was the female version of him. Over the years I have slowly lost myself. No, this is not because of my husband but more because of events that have happened in the last 8 years. In the space of a couple of years, I had an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in it rupturing, and losing my right tube and receiving a blood transfusion. This was followed by a miscarriage.

Finally…

After the miscarriage, I finally got pregnant with my son. However, the two previous pregnancy losses had had a profound effect on me. I took them quite badly and blamed myself a lot for the losses. At the time I could talk about them to a certain degree but now I find that time in my life quite painful and difficult to talk about. My pregnancies with my son and daughter were filled with anxiety and worry for the first 12 weeks. But this quickly changed. With the exception of my pregnancy with Rae which had complications for a while.

A Natural Worrier…

I’ve always been a natural worrier but it has been worse lately as has my anxiety. It’s something that I struggle with on a regular basis. I find it crops up at time’s when I use to be confident and out-going. But lately, I’m more stressed out and anxious. Some days I feel like I’m a shell of the old me.

Self-Body Image…

I’ve never been a regular fitness junkie or conscious healthy eater but I never had a bad figure. I was a healthy size 10-12, I loved wearing makeup, I wore it every day whether I was going out or not. My hair was my thing, it had to be perfect. But as I have got older and had Kid’s I don’t care about them as much. I think it’s from not having the same time I use to have and also not caring what everyone else thinks.

However, I also think being this way has also played part in myself not being happy with how I look. Baby weight, short hair that while is quick and easy is contributing to how I feel. These are things I want to change and am in the process of changing.

To End…

I am a work in progress and I hope I can find my way back to the old me and be happier.

 

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