I Begin Here

My Path To Self Discovery

Category: Life

Learning To Be Positive Again And Moving Forward!

I recently shared with you all that I have been dealing with depression, and that I have recently completed my therapy.

How Therapy Helped…

Therapy really helped me to understand, that everything I was putting off doing or didn’t feel capable of doing was in fact just in my head. It helped to understand that by putting a plan in place and starting off with small jobs, then it wasn’t so daunting. Since then I have progressed to doing bigger tasks. I’m still not fully back to my old routine but I’m getting there.

Positivity Breeds Positivity…

With the help of therapy and the help of my antidepressants my positivity towards life and everything in between has come on in leaps and bounds.

I’m a natural worrier and have had anxiety for the 10 years or so. But lately the last month or so I have been feeling so great. I haven’t had a panic attack or anxiety attack since the end of last year. It really makes me feel good. I feel like I am capable and more like my old self, I don’t feel guilty for no reason I more chilled out and it has inturned improved things between Myself and Matt.

Making Changes One Day At A Time…

While Things are going great I’m still on antidepressant’s and will be for another 3 months-ish. I’m very much aware that While I’m currently in a good place the depression could come back at any time. So I take it one day at a time. I try to do a few jobs each day around the house but if it’s not a great day for whatever the reason. Whether it is the children or I’ve had a bad night sleep etc. I don’t stress about it. I just remind myself that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity for me to try again.

One of the changes that I want to build back into my routine is exercise. This has always really helped with my mental health in the past. For me, it’s a great way to release frustration and stress and allows me to clear my head of thoughts. Don’t get me wrong I’m not claiming to be a fitness fanatic, but once I get into the routine of doing it I enjoy it.

I have also upped my water intake. But still not where I want it to be. But one day at a time, right?

My diet still needs some major improvements but it is better than it has been, there haven’t been as many takeaways, but there are still probably a few too many. I know I will get there it’s just going to take some time and patience.

Moving Forward…

I know I’ll never be 100% the same person I was 10+ years ago but I am definitely on my way to becoming more like my old self. I feel like I have been given the tools to recognize the warning signs and how to deal with it and what I need to do to maintain the positivity. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s not going to be easy every day, and some days will be a lot harder than others. But what I have learned is how I deal with things and how I choose to look at my life and the situations I’m faced with in my day to day life.

Please feel free to get in touch either below in the comments or via Social Media. Please follow the blog if you enjoyed the post and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out on future post’s.




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Admitting I Needed Help…. My Depression

I Needed To Take a Break…

It’s been a while since I posted anything on here. I needed to take a break, to step back from everything and look after myself. Over the last few months, I have been dealing with severe depression and have been getting help in the form of CBT therapy and antidepressants.

The Stigma…

To be honest I’m not entirely sure how I feel about sharing my story, my experience with the internet world. But I have to ask myself is it because there is a stigma with depression, that it’s seen as an ugly word that shouldn’t be spoken about. Or because I’m scared of what people will think. The thing is, we/I shouldn’t care. This is my life and my mental health, and if talking about it helps me, or someone else then great.

Where To Start?…

I want to be honest, I have no clue where to start, I feel anxious and emotional at the thought of sharing my experience with depression. As I’m sat here I keep wanting to delete everything, to hide the truth, BUT I need to do this. I NEED to do this for me. I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

9th November 2017…

This is the day I got help… I few days before this, I got home one evening from work and found Matt confronting me. Being brutally honest with me about my behavior over the last several months. He pointed out how my behavior had started to affect the kids that they were noticing. Mine and Matt’s relationship was in a bad place. I had raging temper tantrums. I wasn’t myself. The way I screamed and shouted at everyone including the kids, it was awful. I was awful and looking back I feel ashamed of myself. I hope the kids are young enough not to remember the dark period in my life when they are older. There I sat in tears listening to Matt, knowing everything he was saying was true, I was ill and I NEEDED help.

While I knew I needed help I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof. I was scared of admitting to anyone that wasn’t myself or Matt. Getting help and telling someone I needed help would make it real and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.

The Doctors office…

I sat in the Doctors office with Matt scared and panicked. I started to speak and the tears came and came. As I sat there crying my eyes out Matt took the lead. As he started to explain I felt calm enough to stop crying and then I found my strength to speak.

We discussed therapy and medication and I’ll admit medication wasn’t something I was that keen on so I left the Doctors office with a couple of numbers for a self referral. I knew that everything had changed.


Two weeks later I was on the phone again in tears, struggling to cope, I was on a waiting list for CBT and was told it could be 3 months. My behavior was getting worse so I told the Dr that I wanted to get on medication to help get me through. So I’m currently on 20mg Citalopram a day and that has helped me no end.

Behavioural Activation Therapy…

After I started the medication I started to receive my therapy in the form of Behavioural Activation Therapy designed to get you back on track and back to your old routine. Its aim is to ease you back into everything slowly.

I have to say I found this type of therapy really helpful and combined with the medication I took to it like a duck to water so to speak. So much so I was discharged after 3 sessions.

I’m still getting back into my old routine but I am making progress.

What Depression Felt Like For Me…

Depression feels different for everyone who suffers from it. And for those who have never had depression cannot understand how it feels you just can’t simply snap out of it.

For me Depression felt like I had these heavy chain weighing my body down, pulling me down. It felt like I was in another existence/ alternate side of the world. Where I could see everyone living their life going about their business and I was there watching on invisible and lonely. Everything felt dark around me and any slight bit of happiness I instantly felt guilty and withdrew more.

I wasn’t sleeping well and I was overeating. I could only find joy in my children but felt guilty. They kept me functioning.


Today I’m in a better place a happier place. Don’t get me wrong I have low days but I don’t feel weighed down and I no longer feel like I’m in the dark. I see light around me and I don’t feel invisible. I feel connected to the world around me.

Have you ever suffered from depression? Are you suffering from depression? If you want to get in touch I’d love to hear from you.

Please share my story/ experience with the people you know. Mental health is a huge thing and we need to talk about it more openly. You’d be surprised by how many people suffer in silence.

Until next time


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Growing Out My Pixie Haircut – Update!

So you may remember back in June I did a post about growing out my pixie cute.

I originally said I would be doing monthly updates…Well, my apologies as that has not happened. I have had a lot going on in the last few months.

So where is my hair at now?

Well, it is definitely longer than what it was back in June. We are almost at the bob length stage. Hopefully, come December/January we will be sporting a bob.

 Not the most flattering side profile but for the purpose of the update you get the idea of its current length.

So What Have I Been Doing To Help It Grow?

I only trim the neck and take some of the weight out as and when I need to so there are regular trims going on. To condition my hair I have been using a Coconut oil spray on it when it is damp before I blow dry and sometime once I have styled it as I get a few flyaways.

I am at a point where I do need to blow dry and straighten my hair. This isn’t great for growing out short hair but needs must and all that. This is partly why I use the coconut oil spray to help condition my hair and reduce heat damage. I do wash my hair daily which I know you’re not supposed to but I do. The upside to this is your scalp is massaged every day which helps to promote hair growth.

How Long Am I Growing My Hair?

I am aiming to grow my hair past my shoulders This was taken back in the spring of 2010.

So this is the ultimate goal of where I want my hair to end up. It has been a long while since I have had proper long hair and I miss it.

So that’s it for this update, it was just a quick post to say. This is where my hair is at a few months into the growing out process.

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If you would like to get in touch please do you can via the Comments below and on social media.



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I’ve Been Adjusting

It’s been a little quiet here lately and I’ll explain why….I’ve been adjusting. I went back to work from maternity leave mid-August. I work mostly evenings so I don’t normally get home until around 9 pm. By which point I’m just too tired to blog.

Logan has gone back to Preschool. This year he is doing four +full days so this has been an adjustment for him. With so much change going on I wanted to have a break from all of it, blogging, studying. I feel now though that it is time to get back on the horse so to speak. So here I am. Ready to catch up with you all.

I’ve a few things lined up for the blog…

  1. Update on growing out my Pixie
  2. From Flab To Fab update
  3. I’m going to be talking about being a role model for my daughter
  4. I’ll also be talking about loving myself

These are just a taster of what I planned.

If there is anything you want me to discuss or share an opinion on, then please let me know. I’m more than happy to chat/write about particular topics. If you’d like to see more mental health posts let me know or more body confidence/self-confidence posts again please let me know and I will get a post out on the topic.

If you’re new to the blog and not sure what the blog is about or what I’m about then you definitely need to read my introduction post

There we have it. This was just a quick post to say, I’m still here and where I’ve been and what to expect coming soon on the blog.

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If you would like to get in touch please do you can via the Comments below and on social media.



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Getting Out Of My Head:- Anxiety And Panic Attacks!

I’ve always been open and honest about suffering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Unfortunately is it not a topic that is talked about enough, this is also true for all mental health issues. But I want to talk about Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

I Didn’t Always Suffer…

I didn’t always suffer from Anxiety or Panic Attacks. It started around 2008/2009 with my previous relationship. I didn’t realise it at the time but the relationship I was in was a toxic one, one of mental abuse. At the time I didn’t see it, but when I look back I can see I was mentally abused.

My first Panic Attack was bad. My hands flooded with pins and needles and went rigid in a claw like shape. I felt dizzy and couldn’t breathe.

Since then I have only had one really bad attack when I ended up in the back of an ambulance because they weren’t sure if it was a stroke or heart attack because of my symptoms, the whole left side of my body shook uncontrollably, my speech was slurred and I couldn’t hold myself up.

Anxiety grows worse…

My Anxiety has got worse over the last few years especially since my Ectopic pregnancy, it has taken a natural worrier and has turned me into a fearful person who wants/needs to be in control to keep fear at bay. I hate this about myself, I hate that some days my anxiety controls me instead of me controlling it. Anxiety and fear have stopped me from doing things. I want to let go and be free to really enjoy the great things in life but it’s there all the time in the back of my mind.

Since having my daughter and there being more stresses at home with various things. I’m sure everyone stresses about things like money, our home is too small and not having money to move. Add to that the lack of sleep from a toddler who doesn’t always go through the night and a baby teething. All of this plays a part in my Anxiety. I don’t want you to sit there and think that I’m moaning about my life and that I should be grateful because there are people worse off. That’s not what I’m doing. I’m simply sharing what has helped to make my anxiety worse.

What Are My Triggers…

I can’t speak for everyone who suffers from Anxiety and Panic Attacks but I know what my triggers are. Some times  I am able to gain control and other times I can’t.

For me, one of my main triggers is feeling overwhelmed, and it can be about anything going on in my life. for me the only way I can describe it is like there is a fog or a storm going on inside my mind. Sometimes I have to get out of my head to beat it.

It’s Getting Harder And Harder To Control…

Over the last few weeks, I have been finding that my Anxiety is getting harder to control. Even writing this post, bearing my soul, if you like, is giving me Anxiety. It’s an incredibly personal thing to share, unfortunately, it is something that people who do not suffer from it find hard to understand and think it is an easy fix. It is not!

It’s An Uncomfortable Place To Be…

Where I am mentally at the moment is a rather uncomfortable place to be. When I look at myself and into my mind, I feel uncomfortable I feel a need to question my mental health and whether I am at a place where I need help. I have to say this part of the blog is very difficult to write. It’s emotional, it is taking a lot for me to be this honest and to lay this much out on the line. But this is in the hope of self-therapy. In the hope that writing about it and talking about it on the World Wide Web can provide a release. A weight lifted. I don;t know maybe help other people and myself not feel alone.

My husband tries to be understanding and helpful and for the most part, he is. He is a fantastic support and I’m certain if it wasn’t for him I would have a lot more Panic Attacks and be in the depths of depression by now. But there is only so much he is able to do. It ultimately falls on me.

So What Helps…

For me, there are some things that do help, Exercise being one of them. I’m not great at keeping a routine especially with two young children but I am trying. I have found Yoga helps to focus my mind. I know that sounds like a cliché, but it really does help. I love running/walking that for me is a kind of therapy with myself. It forces me to think about/process everything I have not wanted to deal with and just pushed to the back of my mind. I also find Reading a good book helps to take me away from reality and escape for a while. I like to do this before bed. It helps to relax my mind and let me drift off to sleep quicker.

I’m sorry for the long post but it is one of those topics that needs discussing.

If you suffer or suffered from Anxiety please get in touch I would love to hear your story and how you deal with it. please get in touch via the comments or social media.

Please make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss future posts. I’m sure I will post an update with how I’m doing.


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Growing Out My Pixie Haircut  

In my 30 something years, I have had many different hairstyles. I have had a pixie of some sort maybe 4-5 times now. I’ve had multiple types of bobs and had long hair of varying lengths.

My Hair Was My Thing…

When I was younger my hair was my thing. Good hair was a must. It had to be cut good and it had to be straightened. Since having my son I’ve not had hair longer that just above my shoulders. So it is time to grow my hair LONG!

The Many Styles I Have Had Over The Years…

Throughout my adult year’s I have had a wide range of hairstyles over the years.

I thought I would share some of those with you, and I have to say some of the selfies are a little cringe worthy…


These are just some of the hairstyles and colours I have had over the years.

So What Now…

Now I begin growing out my pixie haircut. This will be a long slow process which it always is. You have to grow it out in stages.

Firstly you have to start growing the top layer while maintaining the length around the back of your neck and ears to allow the top to catch up. I normally keep these areas trimmed myself using either scissors or clippers.

Hair Products…

Wherever you look online there are posts that tell you to avoid using heat on your hair and tell you not to overload your hair with products. This is true. Heat damages your hair and can cause breakages, which you don’t want when trying to grow your hair out. I don’t use a hair dryer or hair straighteners at the moment. I haven’t coloured my hair in months.

My hair does need help with the form of hair products but I only tend to use a bit of hair wax and gel. I do also put a coconut oil on my hair to help condition my hair I only use a small amount and I use it every day.


I will be posting Monthly updates so that you can see the growth each month. Anything more frequent than that and the growth won’t be as noticeable. So if you are interested in seeing the growth each month please do subscribe so you don’t miss out on the updates.


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Let Me Introduce Myself To You!

I’d like to start this blog off by introducing myself. I’m a 30 something woman. I have a husband Matt, whom I married back in 2011. We have 2 children together and I have a step-daughter.

The Last 3 Years…

I haven’t had full-job since I had my son 3 years ago. I started to work part-time soon after he turned one. My daughter is 6 months old and has been a dream. I will soon return to work in August.


I am currently doing an online course for a Diploma in Digital Marketing. It’s a field that I find interesting especially as we live in a world dominated by the internet and social media. The course is a learn at your own place, which is great considering I have a 3-year-old and a 6-month-old to look after.

What This Blog Is All About…

This blog is about me and my journey to self-discovery. With various things that I have been through with my health and having kids, I feel like I have lost myself along the way. I want to find myself again. I want to be the fun loving carefree woman I used to be.

Blogging isn’t new to me, for the last 2 years I had a “Mummy Blog” but for the last 6 months, I haven’t felt a connection to it. I haven’t wanted to share stories about my kids on there. I wanted to start a fresh blog where I can discover myself. Where the topics I want to write aren’t limited to being child/baby/family related. I want to address the issue’s I have with myself.

So with that, I would like to say a big thank you for taking the time to read this post. Please stick with me as I build my content up. If you enjoyed this and want to read more then, please do subscribe and follow me on here and on my Social Media pages.

I look forward to taking you along on my journey.




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